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Kind of Like Unofficial Polygamy

Autor:[MARGO] Date:[2007-11-5 17:43:06]

DEAR MARGO: I am a very happily married woman with a problem: well-intentioned friends and family. My husband and I are polyamorous and not ashamed of it. We have wonderful girlfriends who are special and a part of our family. The problem is that people assume we are on the verge of divorce, etc. Other than an indelicate "Butt out," is there any way to get them to see that we are really happy and stable? We've been married for five years.

--- HAPPILY POLY

(For square readers like me who might need a trip to the dictionary, I will save you some time. "Polyamorous" is the name for multiple sexual relationships within marriage -- in this case involving both spouses.)

DEAR HAP: You may not be ashamed of it, but you have to know that this arrangement would strike most people as being somewhere between odd and morally wrong, it being quite far from the norm. I am not sure why you felt the need to breeze it around that you and your husband have "wonderful girlfriends."

Because you have, however, essentially invited people to "butt in," you are a little bit stuck in terms of asking them to butt out. I guess the only way to prove yourselves happy and stable is for you two to continue to thrive with your, uh, wonderful girlfriends.

--- MARGO, BEWILDEREDLY

Priorities, Please

DEAR MARGO: I am 25 and married a year. My husband, "Mike," must've been crafted from the dreams of women to be as perfect as he is. He is the only one in the universe who knows me for me and loves me despite it all. My world without him is simply not a possibility.

But of course, as all your letters detail, there's one teensy-weensy issue. Our lovemaking has become, well, "married": occasional, to-the-point and certainly without any sense of "new." For me, the forbidden element, the adventure, is the exciting element.

I've tried asking specifically for what I think I want, suggesting mild role-playing, and yet I am still drawn to other men. I find myself now in a situation where I am, uh, (seeing? interested in?) occasionally kissing a new friend. It's pure lust, but I really enjoy feeling passionate, desired and sexy. (I've done no more than heavy kissing and have no intention to.)

Sex with my husband is better . . . as long as I am thinking of someone else. What, if anything, is wrong with me? I'm naturally flirtatious and a model to boot, requiring me to get close to chiseled men, very unlike "Mike's" physique. Is it OK to use other men to fuel my wonderful marriage?

--- SIZZLE AND SPARK

DEAR SIZZ: How lucky you are to have the man of your dreams. And fortunate, too, that fantasies work for you. They are definitely OK, as well as natural and quite common. They are also a far better solution than fooling around for a temporary thrill and the guilt that goes with it.

"Married lovemaking" cannot sustain the heat of the new, but there are pleasures that come with the familiar. Nothing is wrong with you, except perhaps a little immaturity. Give yourself permission to fantasize all you want, and try to give up the furtive "heavy kissing" with men who look hot to you. Initiate playtime with Mike and spice it up however you like.

I think nothing is as sexy as being with a guy you think is terrific. I am betting Mike (along with George Clooney, Jude Law or whoever turns your lights on) will respond.

--- MARGO, IMAGINATIVELY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.

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